Nourishing After a Loss: A New Way of Looking At Postpartum Time
Any time we conceive and that conception leaves our body, a postpartum period will follow.
Understanding postpartum time.
Postpartum is typically spoken about as the time after giving birth: “post”, after; “partum”, birth. Birth is typically spoken about as the event that brings a live infant into the world. But in spending time unpacking what postpartum time truly is, we can see it is much, much more than that.
Before we explore a new “postpartum”, we first must explore a new “birth.”
If postpartum means “after birth”, then what exactly is birth? A lot of images, sounds, maybe even smells and tastes come to mind when we think and talk about birth. Many of these are cultural or familial, coming from our own story lines or the stories we have taken in from around us.
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines birth as “1a: the emergence of a new individual from the body of its parent. b : the act or process of bringing forth young from the womb.” Being that birth is a physiological process, but also a emotional, mental, spiritual, ecological, and thus escapes complete definition, we can be left to come up with a lot of ideas of what birth truly is. Although the birth experience is not linear, when looking at birth as a passage, it’s easy to see how certain experiences have been left out. Those being miscarriage and abortion.
I believe we need a new definition of birth that encompasses the full spectrum of reproductive experiences.
And my main reason for wanting this is the postpartum period. No matter if you gave birth at 40 weeks or 8 weeks, the same process has to happen. There is a labor; an ebb and flow of contraction and release. There is a birth; the emergence of what our body has made. And there is a postpartum; a complex cocktail of hormones and occurrences within the mindbody that require deep nourishment, rest, and recovery. To deny that a miscarriage or abortion is a birth, is to deny that they have a postpartum period.
What does the postpartum period look like?
Postpartum is hallmarked by a series of somatic changes, as well as mental and emotional ones. It is all deeply interconnected. A placenta, no matter how small it is when it leaves the body, is responsible for producing a huge amount of hormones during pregnancy. When that placenta’s work has ended, the result is a whole new landscape of hormones that are very suddenly being processed by the liver.
Aside from hormones, the newly-postpartum body also releases quite a bit of blood and will need replenishing after a birth. These are just 2 of the many, many physical changes that take place.
Emotionally, we may find ourselves not knowing exactly what we are feeling. We’ve arrived on the other side of something, and are a new person with a new life ahead. We may have the question Now what? circulating through our minds. Although the circumstances of how that will look are different for someone who has birthed a loss versus a live baby, the mechanics and sensations of the postpartum period are the same. And therefore, how we nourish and support postpartum people should be the same, no matter how it came to be.
The 5 pillars of postpartum wellness after loss
The basics of nourishing a freshly postpartum person comes down to 5 essentials: rest, warmth, body care, nutrition and community. Being that postpartum is such a tender and sometimes fragile time, it is important to regard it as a foundation that will make impacts on the rest of a person’s life…for better or for worse. In the context of postpartum after loss, we culturally tend to assume that once everything has passed physically and the menstrual cycle returns, everything is healed and “back to normal”. That is not the case. Just because someone isn’t lactating, or up every 2 hours to feed and change diapers, or healing stitches, doesn’t mean there isn’t a long period of recovery that must be tended to. For example, someone can absolutely experience postpartum depression or psychosis after a miscarriage. But because many of our providers don’t generally understand the nuances of perinatal loss and postpartum time, it is often overlooked, misdiagnosed, or mistreated.
My goal of this article is to begin and add on to the conversation happening around care after loss. Because wherever you are on your fertility journey, whatever experiences you have had, no matter the outcome, you deserve competent, confident, compassionate care. Period.
Prolonged rest
Rest is paramount in the postpartum period, no matter what kind of birth you have and what the outcome is. Rest is our body and mind’s way of assuring that healing will happen. Most of our healing, growing, and general upkeep happens during rest and sleep.
There are many factors that can affect rest and sleep after a loss. There may be a pressure to “get back to work”, either reasons such as a demanding job, or a story we are hearing or telling ourselves about being strong and being productive. Whether either of those are true, it is important to make sure that rest is high on the docket.
Grief may also be something that can change how our mind orients to resting. It may be either hard to rest and sleep, or sleep may be all that is possible. These are both very natural responses to grief. Grief is not linear, and therefore doesn’t adhere to the rules of time, so it is easy for it to disturb the ritual of rest.
If any of these things are keeping you from being able to get the prolonged rest you need and deserve, practice carving out time every day to take care of yourself. If you have other children you are caring for, it is okay to ask your circle for support to care for them while you rest. Practice going to bed at a specific time each night, and incorporating rituals such as oiling your feet and lower back, having a cup of tea, and reading a supportive book.
And as for grief, feel it. Let it rise and rock and settle and pour from you in all the ways it needs to. I have come to see grief more as a presence than a feeling; grief is like that auntie that comes in, sits down quietly, and lets you cry on her shoulder for hours. She holds you as you reconcile with all of the “why’s” and “how’s” that we just haven’t integrated yet. Grief is wise. The support of a trusted friend, counselor, doula, and partner can be a great addition to team up with grief when supporting you through a loss.
2. Warmth
No matter what culture you turn to in the world, whether it is Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), Ayurveda, ancient folk medicine practices in Central America, warmth is at the center of postpartum healing.
After a loss of my own, I enlisted the support of an acupuncturist and TCM practitioner. From both her knowledge of those systems of healing and her own Indigenous lineage and practices, she told me about what the body goes through after a birth. When our bodies are pregnant, we build a lot of heat. Then once we give birth, there is a sort of “empty space” that is left, which can be susceptible to cold, windy energy as the heat leaves our bodies. She explained that because cold and windy are the most unstable elements, when left unchecked they can create all kinds of imbalances, including postpartum depression.
For the first 2 months after the loss, she advised me to place sesame oil infused with specific warming herbs on my belly, feet, and lower back. She also gave me a protocol for what to eat to support warmth. But no matter what traditions you follow or what medicine you seek for warming, I’ve found these to be great steps to go by:
Focus on soft, warming foods like hearty stews, whole grains, warm spiced milk, healthy fats, and spices such as ginger, black pepper, cumin, and garlic.
Even if it is summer time, dress warmly! Be mindful of the wind, and keep your head, neck, belly and feet well protected from it.
Practice doing self oil massages on your feet, abdomen, and back. There are lots of amazing products out there full of herbs and spices, but truly just a plain raw sesame oil or almond oil can be the perfect thing.
Surround yourself with “warm” energy. Whether you believe in the metaphysics of energy or vibrations or not, there is truth to how our environment affects us. You know that friend that gives you a hug and smile and it just feels like nourishing broth to the soul? Bring people like that around. Laugh. Get cozy and watch a heartwarming movie. Sit by a fire.
3. Body work/care
As I mentioned in the last step, bodywork is an important and necessary tool in putting the pieces together postpartum.
In the U.S., according to NIH, 24% of parents who have given birth suffer from symptomatic pelvic floor disorders. I’ll bet money that this number does not include those who have experienced loss. But all the same, these issues can still be present, and often can be much worse because they are easily disregarded or misdiagnosed by medical professionals.
Acupuncture, gentle yoga and exercise, steams/sweating, and physical therapy are all great modalities to bring in to your healing journey. Massage is also wonderful, because there are many options. I’ve had clients tell me they have benefitted the most from lymphatic massage and abdominal massage after a loss.
I want to presence the fact that it can be sometimes hard to find practitioners in your area that specialize in postpartum care, or it may feel challenging to reach out after such a tender experience. Doulas are a wonderful resource to connect with, as they are often well-versed in who is practicing in your community, and what they specialize in. Many doulas have a resource list that they share with their clients freely.
4. Nutrition and herbs
In order to build back the body in postpartum time, food and herbs are essential. Alongside with foods that are warming and easy to digest, it is also important to focus on foods that can help to stabilize hormones and support the liver.
Incorporating seeds (pumpkin, sesame, sunflower, hemp, etc.) into your diet is a great way to help balance hormones. Healthy fats, omegas and grass-fed animal products, alongside plenty of dark leafy greens (cooked, please!) give your body both a blood-building boost and can support the liver.
I also want to put in here that comfort food is health food! Going through a loss and arriving postpartum with a lot of questions, grief, and confusion is not always the time to get on a new health-food regiment. Sometimes that mac-and-cheese recipe your Grandma made you as a kid, that one with a whole block of cheddar grated in, is going to be more nourishing than anything else. When we show up for our bodies holistically, nutrition is not a linear, black and white picture. It includes all of the pieces, because we are people with a lot of moving parts! So indulge, feed your soul: and add in the most nutrition you can. You will thank yourself later.
Herbs also play a very important role in postpartum healing after a loss. There are many herbs out there that support in various ways, but I’m going to list my top favorites here:
Nettle: full of iron and other minerals, nettle builds the blood, nourishes the bones, and supports the immune system.
Dandelion (leaf and root): Seen as a common, shy little weed, dandelions are actually nutritional and medicinal powerhouses. The leaves contain more antioxidants than spinach, and the roots have a special affinity for the liver. The roots are delicious when dried and roasted, and can make a liver-supporting coffee like beverage.
Chaste berry: Chaste berry (vitex agnus-castus) is one of those herbs that should be used more closely with an ND or herbalist’s support. Used for centuries for its hormone balancing qualities, chaste berry can support regular cycles by balancing the body’s amounts of estrogen and progesterone. This is often a good one for folks who are healed up and on their fertility journey again.
Lemon balm: Aside from being an incredible antiviral, lemon balm has been shown to gently uplift mood, increase mental clarity, and promote healthy rest and sleep. Lemon balm infusion often feels like sunshine in a cup.
Rose: This one’s for the heart. Although rose is considered cooling, adding a bit to your infusions and even baths strengthens the heart and supports grief.
Milk thistle, red raspberry, yarrow, black cohosh, milky oats…so many allies that can be another pillar to lean on during the healing times. If you want to know more, find a local ND, herbalist, midwife, or witch that you trust. I also offer homemade herbal supports for the perinatal period. For more info on what I offer, please reach out!
5. Community support
We so often hear around is “it takes a village to raise a healthy child,” but Sobonfu Some also says in her book The Spirit of Intimacy “it takes a village to raise a sane mother.” I go even further to say that it takes community, in whatever shape and form it takes in our lives, to help us remember that we are human.
The postpartum time following a loss is often one where we can forget who are allies are. Will they understand? Will they know how to hold me? So many times I hear of things that are said to grieving parents after a loss that, although well-meaning, make me cringe. “You can always have another” or “it’s God’s will” or “it probably wasn’t a healthy pregnancy anyhow.” Part of community showing up in this time is knowing how to hold to unique and complex grief and it’s ranges. So when creating your postpartum village, think about those who you can really trust to listen, lean in, offer solid loving presence and words that nourish, rather than build any shame or judgement.
Community can look a dozen different ways. It can be your closest friends. It can be a support group for grieving parents. It can be neighbors and co-workers dropping off meals to your doorstep. It can be your church or your colleagues. It can be your doula, your therapist, your midwife. It’s not important on what it consists of; what’s important during this time is how it fills your cup.
Malidoma Some wisely says “grief is the glue of community.” Let this be the guiding principle as your surround yourself with the village that will truly see you through to the other side of your healing journey.
Bringing it all home
As your body, mind, spirit, and family all navigate this journey of postpartum recovery after loss, let this be the central fire of your experience; You are whole. You are a parent. Nothing your body did was wrong.
Those words may sit differently as time goes. You may embrace them, reject them, yell at them, invite them back in, or put them in your hope chest. Whatever needs to happen for you to be at the center of your experience, allowing what it real to come through and for those around you to take care of you, that is perfect.
In recognizing the time after a loss as a true postpartum period, I am hoping for a few things: that more people seek support after a loss, that more perinatal professionals recognize the reality of what can afflict those who have experienced loss (postpartum depression, pelvic floor disorders, etc.), and that more people honor themselves and their losses, instead of hiding them away in shame or embarrassment.
Create the rituals. Give yourself the time. Let the tears and rage come. Allow support to hold you. Because no matter how you gave birth and what the outcome was, you deserve that, and more.
Local resources and providers
Mending Babyloss, https://mendingbabyloss.org/
Perinatal Support Washington, https://perinatalsupport.org/
The Village Circle support group, https://www.villagecirclebellingham.com/
Becky Schayes ARNP, (women’s health), https://bnfm.com/about-us/
Connect NW Physical Therapy, https://www.connectnwpt.com/
Lotus Leaf Acupuncture, https://www.lotusleafacupuncture.com/
Heidi Bracher, abdominal massage, http://www.rootdownhealingarts.com/
Rhiannon Standford, acupuncture and TCM, https://www.seattleacupuncturehub.com/
Ingrid Robinson, LMHC, https://ingridrobinsonlmhc.com/
Michelle Anderson, LMHC, https://mobilemama.com/
Laura Smith, Ayurvedic postpartum massage, https://www.ayurvedichealthcenter.com/
Lisa Tenney, massage, https://www.tendingmoon.com/la-luna-services
Jasmine Stuverud, full-spectrum doula and peer counseling, https://www.manymoonsbirth.com/counseling
