It’s Not About Holding Babies
Believe it or not, it’s not about holding babies for me. It’s about holding families.
Don’t get me wrong, I love babies. Newborns are magic incarnate; a sweetness and pure instinct that makes me fall in love with humanity every time I’m at a birth. But, when I’m asked why I became a doula, the answer is most certainly never “to hold babies”. A lot of folks, especially older family members, have a common misconception that doulas are there for the baby...just the baby. While babies are indeed part of the family, and to be honest, their growing and passage into life is intrinsic to a doula’s holy work, they are not at the center. To me, the whole family itself is the center. I am here to hold mothers, fathers, siblings, and grandparents.
Holding Mothers
I became a doula because that is the role I already played in life. I have always been that friend that people come to for assurance, support, and a strongly cultivated loving space to feel all the feels. In a way, becoming a birthworker was not all that different from just living my life. My initial experiences with birth showed me the power of what happens when mothers/birthing people are truly supported. And in our culture that often fosters isolation, shame, and unrealistic expectations for new mothers, a little support goes a long way.
Routine obstetrical care can often leave mothers/pregnant people feeling that they are merely an accessory to pregnancy and birth. That the doctors are only there to make sure the baby is healthy, growing well, and that mothers are making correct choices for their babies. Mothers can sometimes fall through the cracks, feeling that no one is there to hold them as they embark on what is perhaps the most profound journey and threshold crossing of a lifetime. Each day being pregnant is a whirlwind of ups and downs, choices, hopes, fears, cravings, aversions, all amidst a backdrop of becoming a parent. It is a wild, unruly identity shift that can leave some quite tumbled, and some rocked deeper to the core.
It was with some of the first clients I ever worked with as a doula that I recognized the impact when holding someone prenatally. It is no small thing to jump into someone’s life and become their counselor, friend, advocate, sister, and container all at once. What I found was that being a steady, loving, listening presence had such positive outcomes in people’s life.
We learn from peers, family members, and society at large what it means to be a mother. We learn about the sacrifices one makes, about the infinite love, and about parenting. But how often do new mothers just get to be held? Loved exactly as they are, supported to find whatever strength, softness, courage, ferocity, vulnerability, or insight that inspires their path and informs their identity shift. It is not a small feat to go through such changes, and it is always my primary role to be there for holding the mothers/birthing people.
Holding Fathers
Supporting fathers/partners is an integral part of my practice as a doula. When a new baby is born, it is not just the birth of a child, but also the birth of parents. Often, dads are going through their own birth experience internally, feeling the profundity of their life changes just before them.
Holding fathers/partners means putting them back in the center of the family. It means listening deeply to their fears, anxieties, hopes, goals, and ideas. It means helping them feel included in all decision making. It means reading their body language at a birth and making sure their physical needs are always met, as well as anticipating what role they would like to be in. Whether fathers/partners feel they want to be their partner’s primary support person, or need to take space and process through the intensity of birth, it is their pregnancy and birth too, and that should always be respected. It means fostering resilience.
Fathers play a key role in the early attachment experiences for a baby. Babies grow hearing their parents voices from outside the womb, already forming attachments to each of them. If a father feels held, loved, supported, and respected, he is likely to feel more bonded to his baby and his partner, creating a lifelong cascade of positive experiences, and a strong circle of security.
Holding Siblings
Siblings play a vital role in families. Sometimes, the birth of a new baby can result in some complicated feelings for siblings of all ages. Some wonder, am I going to be replaced? Am I still going to be special and important to my parents? How will I feel when the new baby is here? Whether a toddler is going to be getting a new baby sibling, or an older child is watching their family grow bigger and bigger through the years, there is always a place for them to be held through their experience and be validated. My job as a doula is to help siblings feel part of the experience as much as they want to be, going at their pace through play, invitation, and curiosity.
There can be complex feelings for parents, too. While usually it is joy and excitement that accompanies the arrival of a newborn, grief can sometimes show up too. For families that are going from 1 child to 2, some parents feel sadness or grief that their first child will no longer get 100% of the focus. They may wonder how they will manage caring for 2, delighting in each of their unique gifts and personalities. It is very normal and natural to have joy be accented with grief when children become big brothers and sisters. It is a special and celebrated part of my work to bring all the resources to families when they are growing, and to sit at the feet of whatever feelings come up, no matter how deep or complicated.
Holding Grandparents
When parents become grandparents, they are watching their babies go through exactly what they went through many years before. Things usually have changed since then, which can bring anxiety and fear for grandparents. Most always they want what is best for their babies and grandbabies. They want to be involved, help out, and feel welcomed into their role and Grandma or Grandpa.
I have been to many, many births now where parents have asked me to be the one that announces the baby’s arrival to grandparents. I have held new grandmothers as they sobbed while holding their grandbabies for the first time. I have watch grandfathers sing The Adhan (Islamic prayer for newborns) into their grandbabies ears. I have reminded grandparents gently how to swaddle, burp, and rock a new baby. And, I have helped hold boundaries that feel sacred and important for the birthing parents about grandparents, to have the appropriate space and time they need to integrate after birth.
A baby is born not just to a mother and to a father, but really to a wide circle that spans generations and even ages. We bring with us into birth all our family stories, strengths, traumas, and traditions. How new families choose to interact with those things is entirely up to them. My role is as wide as that circle, extending to whomever is part of the experience.
It’s a Family Affair
Year after year, as I attend births and support families prenatally and postpartum, I am reminded that families are a holistic unit. The health of one member is the health of the whole. That’s why I say my work as a doula is “relationship based”, because truly that is what it’s all about: cultivating caring, authentic, and professional relationships with each member of a family, preparing them and holding them in whatever ways they are needing moment to moment. So while the doctors and midwives are taking care of the baby, I am focused entirely on the well-being of the family unit, tending to needs with the knowledge that these beginnings are the foundations of many lifetimes.
While I will always delight in the arrival of a new tiny human and hold a baby to help someone get sleep or a shower, know that if I am your doula, I am here to hold you. With each member of a family centered, prioritized, and supported, healthy roots grow and make waves that last generations to come.
